Sadly, very very sadly, I am an Evil Eye believer. Though I know that rationally, it doesn't make sense, I can't shake my subconscious fear off. Blame me and my culture, but it has stuck with me like chewing gum on pavement. There are a few words I seem to really like at the moment. Like the word "seem". Or "like". Or "doomed". With those three words you can conjure the sentence; "It seems like I'm doomed." Very telling of my mood these days.
I have been feeling nauseous all day. I think it is because I had not eaten breakfast until 12am at work, which consisted of four cups of double espresso and a quarter honey cookie. I don't think that really counts as a healthy breakfast.
From there on, I had been feeling extremely nauseous, and my regular appetite was gone. It felt good, in some way, because it made me stop stuffing myself (read: impulsive binge eating) full of sweets and cookies.
I had tried to eat, tried to get a few sandwiches down, but after closing, just when we were about to leave, I had to run off into the bathroom. I tried to puke out whatever made me feel bad. It helped a tiny bit.
When I closed the shop with my senior citizen coworker and walked with him to the subway, I still felt extremely bad. When I got into my bus, I got off at the nearest shop that felt "puke-safe" enough (meaning: a place abandoned enough. No peeking eyes!). I didn't realise until I got off that I was standing in front of the cemetery where my step mother was buried. It felt like some sick kind of cliché.
There was this middle aged man on the bus, with a beige poncho jacket and big black earphones, looking like a noir detective. He was playing a soccer game on two phones, completely absorbed, swiping his fingers as fast as he can, eyes flitting from left to right. I love seeing people like that indulge in stuff like that.
Mom gave me this trick years ago, where instead of using deodorant, I use baking soda. I put some on my hand, with a little bit of water I smear it on my armpits and boom. Magically, I don’t smell. I’ve been using this for years, and it still works to this day. Though because of this method, I’ve gotten eczema, and it burns like hell.. But beauty is pain right.
I have brought a new coat recently. It is cozy and I love it, but it has made me take a look into my closet, and made me realise I only have five outfits to wear. I have had those outfits for six years now. I truly have mastered the art of sustainable clothing.
Things I’ve been strongly into again as of late:
# This Japanese band that makes the most gorgoeus, dreamy indie songs ever. Their music sounds like it’s from another reality. Everytime I listen to it, I feel comforted and yearning for another world, another reality. The songs aren’t slow, which I really love. I don’t like slow songs all that much. Their instrumental parts are super gorgeous too.
This band is really really special to me. I will never get tired of their music. For gatekeeping purposes and because I have a mean heart I will not disclose the name, though if you are interested email me and I will whisper you the holy name..
# My brother my brother and me / The adventure zone. The first is a podcast of three brothers, the second is a podcast of the same three brothers but them playing D&D with their dad, even though they’ve never played D&D. They’re extremely fun, entertaining and funny podcasts. They genuinely make me laugh and I am so glad I know them. # The Arcana. No, not Arcane. I’m talking about the game, which is a romance mystery game, and also a dungeon crawl. There is romance, there is mystery and a murder to solve, there are lives at stake, your choices actually all have influences on the story. You actually feel like a person in that world!
Best part? Though there are in-app purchases, and you can buy coins and other goods for exclusive content, the story itself is completely free, so you can fully enjoy the game without spending a cent! Also, I am just a sucker for fantasy based settings, along with romance and murder. And I love being loved! My favourite walkthrough is Julian (because I love my men cocky but submissive, tortured soul archetype sometimes). My second favourite is Asra (because I love my men sweet but dominant, whimsical wizard sometimes).
Film(s) I’ve watched as of late:
# I watched Mission Impossible: Fallout for the first time ever and.. I was blown away. I thought this series was an overly macho type of film, but it was actually.. Good? Amazing? It was so entertaining and comedic? I have trouble finishing films but this one had me glued to the screen.
I also watched Rogue Nation, and it was just as fun. Benji I love you? Note, I watched both in French, which may or may not have influenced my watching journey. Did you know Henry Cavill's and Jeremy Renner's French voice actors have such rich deep beautiful voices? Now you do.
Someone asked me (no one did, actually) why I always sign off with "Soft dreams". It is because a certain someone has whispered me this numerous times in my dreams. He'd appear as a warm glowing light, as welcoming as the sun, and lay his orange stricken hand on my forehead. Soft dreams , he'd always whisper to me, as some sort of queer promise. I hope my sign off will feel less awkward now that you know it's history.
Until next time,
Soft dreams.
